a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
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if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Why I divorced her.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this