I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
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*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti