How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
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[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
me and who
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters