I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
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Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
President The Rock Obama
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients