Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
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If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.