Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
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Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*