[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
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Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
water it, i dare you
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER