Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
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Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I am all good here, 😂😉
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
shut up and take my money
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep