playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
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me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*