“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
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The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.