me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
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No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.