I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
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Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”