[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
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Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
choose your gary
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL