My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
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Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
He took my last fry, your honor
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?