Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
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If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Why is no one talking about this?!
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.