Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
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Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
What’s so funny?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…