What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
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I’m confused about plants
Only short people can save us
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!