Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
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If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Brother?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
******
Password ex…
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.