Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
You Might Also Like
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
This checks out
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.