Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
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I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these