Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
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Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”