*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
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okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.