The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
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Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.