It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
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Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Good Morning.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.