I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
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Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa