Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
You Might Also Like
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.