Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
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My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Leaving the Barbers like
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life