these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
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Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Hard not to take this personally
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.