Guys, I found it.
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Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.