I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
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My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Always
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.