I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
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Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Cake safety first. Always.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no