I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
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No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story