General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
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[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.