Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
i have one speed and it’s mosey
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?