I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
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My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
My daily affirmation
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
More like Kate Missington.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.