me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
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“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Super Hand Dog Face
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
One of the best
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.