Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
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A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
My Plans 2020
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar