flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
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I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Perfection.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox