I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I have a new favorite meme page
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.