*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
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Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I鈥檓 the star of a Whitesnake video
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Me after watching a horror movie! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume