“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Somebody’s lying.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*