Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
You Might Also Like
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it