“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
You Might Also Like
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
reviewed some movies recently
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE