SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
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Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
oh my god
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?