cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
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Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
how much does a mortician urn in a year
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.