Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
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Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Merica.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.