Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
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Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
the last thing a carrot sees
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’