My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
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Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Happy Taco Tuesday
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
The Sun
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.