Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
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I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free