I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
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*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I just tested negative for patience.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.